It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
