I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
