3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Betty ford says i'm here all night
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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