My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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