Welp...herpes.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
