did you get engaged???
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
