I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
