Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
