Your face is a jimmy john
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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