Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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