First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
