No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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