There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just gargled with NyQuil
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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