I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
