Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
