You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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