My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
