I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
