I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
