I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
