I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Randomize
