she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Still dying that you shit outside
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
