i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
