My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
