I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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