So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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