you're like a bully in the Christmas story
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
