Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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