can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
