she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
