It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
