really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
