You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
