I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
