I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
