I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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