You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
