he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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