and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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