I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
