The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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