So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
