hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
