YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
