That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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