I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
