Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
