true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Every concussion has its silver lining
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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