I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I am naked and annoyed.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
