I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
It was confusing and full of hummus
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
We need to get me chipped asap
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
