I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
